Magic Star Reading (30 October 2009)

Friday was the first true clash between my boyfriend and I. By Friday morning he had not yet returned home and was still on a party binge, while he was to come with me in the morning to my mom who would give him a language lesson, and other things while I went to work. I called it off with my mom and during the morning break called to my own home to check whether he was in already. When I arrived back home in the late afternoon from work, he was still partying in our home with two total strangers. The house was a mess, not to mention how he had broken some of the things we had agreed upon: no strangers in the week, not while I'm not there. I ordered the two strangers out, told him I would go out for an hour to cool down and in the meantime he could clean some of the trash. When I returned it was obvious he had started to clear a bit, but ran off either angry or sad. When he returned he told me he had gone to the river and had been crying, apologized over and over and how I deserved much better, that he needed space, a week alone. That was when he told me he had used our card to get money for partying, and it had been a total irresponsible sum.

Eventually we calmed down, but I felt hurt and deeply disappointed by what happened, and laid the above cards in a magic star spread (the pentagram) in order to ask for advice regarding what had happened.

The first card, the card that portrays the problem or basic situation that caused the Tarot question was the 5 of Cups called disappointment. There was no arguing with the accuracy of that card: disappointed, betrayed in my trust, and I felt as if he had done this to hurt me, to send me a message. The card does not mean everything is ruined, but that there is a heartfelt disappointment and that it is hard to see past the broken cups.

The second card depicts the cause of the disappointment, and it was 7 of Cups, Debauch. While in the Rider Waite this card is about pursuing several fantasies all at once, in Corwley's Toth card it speaks about finding pleasure in superificial stuff that has no meaning, including addictive substances. Indeed, my disappointment was born out of my boyfriend's over the top partying (debauch) that lasted until 4 pm in the afternoon.

The third card shows a factor I need to consider, which was 7 of wands, Valour. How much does it no oppose the debauch of the 7 of Cups? I took the card as urging me to gain courage to fight for what I think is right. The sparkling rod in front of the other 6 wands, seems to say "show your backbone."

The fourth card gives adice or shows the solution: the Devil. The Devil indicates people bound to something as if it's an addiction, like a partner and of course substances, and also indicates worries and being held back by material considerations. The Devil tells us that it is not the partner or substances that hold us captive, but we ourselves do, and we are free to get rid of our bondages, if we just do it. The Devil urges us to face our fears and failings, and in that way free ourselves from it.

The fifth card is the end result of the situation, in this spread the Ace of Cups. An ace stands for an opportunity born from within, and the ace of cups stands for the chance of budding true inner happiness. I love this card in the Toth deck... When I see it, I think of the Grail, which for me stands for unconditional love beaming its bright ray everywhere.

So, what does it all mean? What do I need to free myself from? What do I need courage for? Does the ace of cups relate to my relationship or does it stand for a new opportunity.

One way would be to interprete it as gaining the courage (7 wands) to free myself from the relationship (devil), or have the courage to solve the difference and have him understand not to do this again, and free myself from my fears of material comfort, free myself from the memory of the disappointment.

On the one hand I allowed the thought of him perhaps needing to be on his own and traveling, I allowed the idea that we do not need to be together. And on the other hand, after a night of sleep, I discussed with him I felt he had the right to decide together with me what our money would be used for, and showed him everything of our financial situation. And for now that has seemed to work fine: we discuss our plans, how much each of them would cost, and decide together.

ETA: The Magic Star spread follows the pattern of the pentagram. In four of the cards we can see a pairing. 7 of wands versus 7 of cups, and thereby balancing it. The 5 of cups, Disappointment, shows the upside-down pentagram, which is the Satanistic symbol for the Devil, thereby hinting that what is holding me imprisoned is the disappointment, and that I needed to look beyond it, and so find the Grail through Valour.  

Tarot - Saturday 2 Swords (24.10)

While the 2 of Swords in the Rider Waite deck stands for purposefully turning a blind eye on matters to keep the peace and thereby closing your heart and holding down your emotions, Crowley sees the 2 of Swords as Lord of Peace. Swords represent the mental world, the mind. The number two evokes polarity. So, balance is required, between the heart and mind. So, while the Rider Waite deck focuses on the difficulty of finding this balance resulting in doubt, the Toth deck emphasises on the balance coming from insight and making up conflicts and planning.

Of course the first conversation about an incident is not always enough, and a couple needs to then discuss what "rules" they ought to live by to preserve the peace between each other, discuss a plan of what each can expect from each other in a similar situation.That is exactly what we did, including Sunday for which I did not pull a day card.

For example, I want and understand that my boyfriend wants to meet people and start building his own network of friends. On the other hand we both would want to go out together too: nothing more pleasant than showing off your partner in the social world, certainly in the early stages of a relationship. But I also need to work in the week, and be well rested in order to be a just teacher. Another example: I'm used to invite friends over once in a while. So, I think he should be able to invite his new made friends over, even if I don't know them, even though it remains awkward as an idea because it is my apartment with my stuff (he's acting very responsible about it though). Or we make plans to visit my parents to do the laundry there, and one partner thinks we will stay over for dinner when invited, while the other wants to go back home.

The difficulty is finding a balance in all of this, and it does not always come naturally when both partners have lived on their own for years and are chronically used to do as they see fit for themselves.We're bound to make mistakes without intention, and need to find a way to set up a communication pattern that will avoid making such mistakes and gives the other person the most insight in each other's plans. 

Tarot - Friday Art (23.10)

Art is Crowley's Temperance, and illustrates the mixing of two opposites: fire with water and the lion with a griffon. The result is something steamy and passionate, and can tend to blow in our faces, so temperance is required in order to have a productive result rather than destructive. The angel in this card mixing the opposites holds a wand and a cup. Not only are these the Tarot symbols related to the elements of fire and water, but a wand is a symbol of the male aspect while a cup of the female aspect.

Friday was a day where I was confronted with my first irritations of suddenly having my partner living with me, something he had done that he shouldn't have, coupled with my worries over my finances. It's a small appartment and we are in some ways as different as night and day as well as both needing attention, spirited and extraverts. It can be a volatile combination if we were to think only of ourselves and would not have the maturity yet to express our needs, wants and frustrations in a loving way. Luckily we can argue in a manner that still expresses love. The potential of a fight was there on Friday, and yet we simply talked things over in a temperate and productive manner.

Tarot - Wednesday Hanged Man (21.10)

The Hanged Man is a Major Arcana card, where a man is hanging upside down in the position of a sacrifice. So, basically this card is about looking at an issue totally differently than before, and also about accepting that something needs to be sacrificed. It also warns that you give up resistance or a fight, and with some fatalistic attitude accept the situation as if you can't do anything about it, and so give up.

This is of course a feeling that has been building up over the past weeks with this financial worrying situation. I try to limit my expenses, gain some control over the situation but don't seem to succeed: something always tends to happen beyond my power the past half year and I'll literally have to pay for it. If I want to solve this I will have to look at other solutions than usual. And of course after the down of finding out that my financial situation still has not bettered a little, I naturally felt like the Hanged Man again.

Tarot - Thuesday Princess of Swords and 5 Disks

Crowley's Princess of Swords (aka Page of Swords) shows a young woman within a conflict situation. She's trying to keep her head (with a helmet reminiscent of wise Athena) above the dark upsetting clouds and ward off any unseen evil. The sword is pointed downwards. This can help to impact a coming blow, but clearly the Princess is not willing to strike first. Note how the dark clouds can only be seen underneath her own feet, suggesting that her worries that are the cause of her defensiveness may have been born in her mind alone without a material cause. She might just as well be fighting a depression. The sky around her and that which she tries to defend herself from is clear and light. Is there any real danger to be seen? Lastly, the Princess of Swords is alighted in a green colour, with green symbolizing "green of envy".

When I saw this card, I knew I was warned about me ending up feeling cornered and self-protective. So I drew another card to clarify in what area this conflict would expose itself. I drew the 5 of pentacles. 

This card is called Worry by Crowley, and as pentacles it signifies the cause of the worries is tangible, and very possibly material and financial. We see a reversed pentagram on this dark card: things are not going well. Nor is it a situation that is easily solved. All elements are involved and in a negative way. The card shows no rescue.

I knew then that the conflict would be about my financial situation, that has been a point of worry for quite some time. While I do have work (loads) and a healthy pay, I've run into some misfortunes with financial repercussions over the past months, and it all piles up one after the other. The past month I've been trying to at least stabilize the situation.

On Monday night, past midnight, and thus Thuesday, I checked my bank account and my attempt to turn the situation around has not yet come to pass. So, upcoming bills, how to fix the situations short term and long term, planning was running through my mind the whole day.

Tarot - Monday Knight of Cups (19.10)

Crowley's Knight of Cups does not correlate exactly to the Knight of Cups of the Rider Waite, because the Toth deck has no Kings in the Court cards. Crowley has princesses for pages, princes for knights, and knights for kings, while the queen remain queens. But that would not be totally correct either. I rarely see a court card as another person than the querent. Often I regard them as an attitude the querent has within a certain situation. Pages or princesses stand more for an opportunity to me, like the aces, with that difference that usually the opportunities of the aces are born from within, while the opportunities of the pages come from outside ourselves, coming from a person. The RW knights and Crowley's princes tend to stand for an environment and climate rather than just one person. This leaves only the queens and kings (or Crowley's knights) to represent actual concrete people.

So, according to the card for past Monday (that I drew on Saturday 17 October) the issue of that day involved a man in a romantic sense. The Knight of Cups is like a romantic ideal, the knight in shining armour, who'll fly to other worlds to pamper you with his feelings for you, driven by his impulses. In my case this was very literal. My Nicaraguan boyfriend had his flight from Costa Rica to Germany on Monday in order to come and live with me for the next three months.

Tarot - Sunday Moon (18.10)

Because I am trying to gain extra insights in the Tarot cards on a symbolical level, I laid 7 cards for the whole of the week with my Crowley's Toth Deck.

Sunday 18 October 2009 was a Moon day in the spread I laid on Saturday 17 October.

The Moon is not the everyday realm. It is the world at night, in the dark, when we fear what roams outside, and when the world becomes incoherent and dreamy instead. When the moon is up, and we sleep and dream, we may end up having to confront our worst fears in nightmares, or live out our deepest sexual desires we would like noone else to know.

The Toth card version emphasises the feminine intuition: at the bottom we can see a depiction of a woman's hormonal cycle, which used to be called "moontimes" because of their cyclic nature similar to that of the moon. More importantly a woman's moon cycle implies fertility, and the image of the Toth card makes it appear as if a woman's eggcell is about to be released or fertilized. Also the light path from sun to moon, the cone in the sky of alighted sky, resembles the womb of a woman, and in the moon's darkened side we see strings of DNA intertwine.

What is different in the Toth card from the Rider Waite aspect is that here Crowley wanted to reveal that soon the sun will rise once more, daytime will come again, with the Scarabee pushing the sun up just right underneath the horizon. And it looks as if the moon and the sun together are lighting a path for the reader. And the only crescent moon you see so close before sunrise is the waning moon.

While Anubis guards the entry of the Moon's realm (and in Egyptian mythology Toth was the Moon God), the towers rise high and ominous, the waning moon lures us to wonder on the weird and crazy looking world of the dream for inspiration, which is indeed most likely to be recalled if early in the morning rather than the middle of the night.

We can see yods fall from the Moon to the Sun. The Hebrew word yod means "hand" or "helping" hand. So it suggests that this card may lend a helping hand to get through your fears and worries via your dreams.

What did the card mean in relation to Saturday 17th of October? Was I worried? Or anxious? Did I had a great insight from a dream? None of it all. But I did hours of research and writing on the blog articles about dreams and what happens in our brain neurologically when we dream. So, yes, Saturday was a Moon day because dreams were the topic of that day, and it helped me to learn why dreams are as they are.