Friday was the first true clash between my boyfriend and I. By Friday morning he had not yet returned home and was still on a party binge, while he was to come with me in the morning to my mom who would give him a language lesson, and other things while I went to work. I called it off with my mom and during the morning break called to my own home to check whether he was in already. When I arrived back home in the late afternoon from work, he was still partying in our home with two total strangers. The house was a mess, not to mention how he had broken some of the things we had agreed upon: no strangers in the week, not while I'm not there. I ordered the two strangers out, told him I would go out for an hour to cool down and in the meantime he could clean some of the trash. When I returned it was obvious he had started to clear a bit, but ran off either angry or sad. When he returned he told me he had gone to the river and had been crying, apologized over and over and how I deserved much better, that he needed space, a week alone. That was when he told me he had used our card to get money for partying, and it had been a total irresponsible sum.
Eventually we calmed down, but I felt hurt and deeply disappointed by what happened, and laid the above cards in a magic star spread (the pentagram) in order to ask for advice regarding what had happened.
The first card, the card that portrays the problem or basic situation that caused the Tarot question was the 5 of Cups called disappointment. There was no arguing with the accuracy of that card: disappointed, betrayed in my trust, and I felt as if he had done this to hurt me, to send me a message. The card does not mean everything is ruined, but that there is a heartfelt disappointment and that it is hard to see past the broken cups.
The second card depicts the cause of the disappointment, and it was 7 of Cups, Debauch. While in the Rider Waite this card is about pursuing several fantasies all at once, in Corwley's Toth card it speaks about finding pleasure in superificial stuff that has no meaning, including addictive substances. Indeed, my disappointment was born out of my boyfriend's over the top partying (debauch) that lasted until 4 pm in the afternoon.
The third card shows a factor I need to consider, which was 7 of wands, Valour. How much does it no oppose the debauch of the 7 of Cups? I took the card as urging me to gain courage to fight for what I think is right. The sparkling rod in front of the other 6 wands, seems to say "show your backbone."
The fourth card gives adice or shows the solution: the Devil. The Devil indicates people bound to something as if it's an addiction, like a partner and of course substances, and also indicates worries and being held back by material considerations. The Devil tells us that it is not the partner or substances that hold us captive, but we ourselves do, and we are free to get rid of our bondages, if we just do it. The Devil urges us to face our fears and failings, and in that way free ourselves from it.
The fifth card is the end result of the situation, in this spread the Ace of Cups. An ace stands for an opportunity born from within, and the ace of cups stands for the chance of budding true inner happiness. I love this card in the Toth deck... When I see it, I think of the Grail, which for me stands for unconditional love beaming its bright ray everywhere.
So, what does it all mean? What do I need to free myself from? What do I need courage for? Does the ace of cups relate to my relationship or does it stand for a new opportunity.
One way would be to interprete it as gaining the courage (7 wands) to free myself from the relationship (devil), or have the courage to solve the difference and have him understand not to do this again, and free myself from my fears of material comfort, free myself from the memory of the disappointment.
On the one hand I allowed the thought of him perhaps needing to be on his own and traveling, I allowed the idea that we do not need to be together. And on the other hand, after a night of sleep, I discussed with him I felt he had the right to decide together with me what our money would be used for, and showed him everything of our financial situation. And for now that has seemed to work fine: we discuss our plans, how much each of them would cost, and decide together.
ETA: The Magic Star spread follows the pattern of the pentagram. In four of the cards we can see a pairing. 7 of wands versus 7 of cups, and thereby balancing it. The 5 of cups, Disappointment, shows the upside-down pentagram, which is the Satanistic symbol for the Devil, thereby hinting that what is holding me imprisoned is the disappointment, and that I needed to look beyond it, and so find the Grail through Valour.
No comments:
Post a Comment