Sunday, February 28, 2010

Thoth Tarot - the Fool

 

What is going on

You are going through a period where you are pregnant with several possibilities at once that will lead to creating a new life for yourself. You are in a period of life transformation, from an old life to a new life. You see several new possibilities growing in your life that are close to your heart's desire. You may especially be considering to create a family, including having children, or start a new business. It makes you feel euphoric. 

Enjoy the moment. Trust your instincts and dreams, even if they may feel foolish, because your childlike optimism protects you from harm. 

You may feel as if you wish to unite opposites, but realize that at this time you are incapable of doing this. It is not the time for that. This is a brainstorm period in your life. It is not the time to act, analyse or decide, but to daydream and come up with as many possibilities as you can.

Aleph
Aleph is the Hebrew letter assigned to the Fool in the Kabbalistic Tree of Life. This is the path that leads from Kefer (1) to Chokmah (2). So, if you see the Fool ask yourself ...
  • Which unexpected opportunities you have recently come across in your life (Kefer)? Especially opportunities that made you giddy with the new possibilities it may bring in your life, that are close to making your heart skip a beat. These opportunities seem to have come out of nowhere, while you were not looking for it, blowing new life into a theme that seemed lifeless or dull to you before. Take a closer look if you see Aces in the spread, and how the Fool is related to the Ace.
  • Which possibilities are you foreseeing for yourself (Chokmah)? Which decisions will you have to make as a consequence and what would be the possible outcome of those decisions? Take a closer look if you see Twos or Crowley Knights (aka Kings) in the spread, and how the Fool is related to them.
For a general understanding on the Tree of Life combined with Tarot, see Tarot and the Kabbalah's Tree of Life

The Fool's wisdom

When you see the Fool in a spread, you probably recognize the giddy, euphoric feeling it represents in your life, but you may naturally be wondering whether it would be irresponsible to follow your instincts or not. You can foresee possibilities of beautiful new developments in your life, but also can foresee how it may all lead to pain or ruin. Imagining both long term outcomes is the natural consequence of the Fool's brainstorm phase. And so naturally you wonder whether the Fool is an appropriate pathway.

Note: Often books or websites suggests interpretations for a card on the typical levels of the possible focus a reading may have: career, finances, love, health ... However, the four suits may all reveal something about one of these specific subjects. The suits cannot be divided in such a clear cut way. They do however say something about the level plains energy, emotion, mental and physical. Since we know the Fool is the pathway leading to Chokmah, we can predict the Fool will naturally lead to such and such situations on either of these levels, just by looking at the Twos and Knights of the suits. 

  • Energy and creativity
When it comes down to energy and creativity, the Fool will spur you on like never before, making you feel impatient to start a new project, or conquer the person you met, preferably yesterday already. You may feel unstoppable. This may indeed lead to irresponsible behaviour that may backfire. However, combined with the ability to take responsibility of your own actions you may be able to take the lead, share your vision with others and involve them with your enthusiasm. So, when the reading is about venturing into new business, career, project at work then the Fool will help you to motivate others with your enthusiasm, will help you to ready the environment, but hasty actions may backfire. When the reading is about a relationship then remind yourself it is a brainstorm time, not one to force your forming will onto another.
  • Emotions
The Fool will help to polarize the meeting or already existing relation of two people (whether for a relationship, friendship or business). Polarisation leads to attraction, and harmonisation. The Fool helps you to open up your heart, be optimistic and playful, fun oriented. With an open heart you are not only thinking of your own desires, but driven to emotional connecting with and support the other. All this benefits any type of relation between two people on an emotional level.
  • Mental
The Fool will help you to look at a problematic situation from all angles. It helps to find solutions to situations previoiusly perceived as gridlocked. From this a strategy may form. It enhances a neutral stance where we avoid judging others, and find the middle road that works for all involved. It may also lead to indecisiveness, or make you too considerate of another, and repressing your own frustrations.
  • Physical
Is life chaotic lately? Are securities you relied on in your life missing lately? Check for yourself how much of this chaos has been self-caused, or has occurred without forewarning and is beyond your control. The Fool may evoke a chaotic period in your life. When you are bringing change (new people, plans, ideas, energy or emotions) in your life, then this will naturally cause your life to go topsy-turvy all of a sudden, sometimes in seemingly unrelated areas (because of your change of focus). And this insecurity may be frightening. But sometimes things just seem to happen unexpectedly, and your old habits and resources to deal with such situations are not helping to structurize life again. In both cases, the Fool will  help you to become more flexible and give you the energy to ride it through.

Symbolism and relating to other Tarot cardsS



Tarot and the Kabbalah - The tree of life

Crowley worked in the Kabbalah philosophy in designating the meaning of the Tarot Cards, as have done others. So, in order to understand the connections and meanings of cards, it is helpful to understand the Kabbalistic Tree of Life and how it applies in Tarot.

When you open a book or look up a site on Tarot, they often explain the meaning of the numbers from 1-10 in general, and the general meanings of a suit, and then mingle it and voilĂ  that ought to be the meaning of the 4 of hearts. You could try to learn that by heart, but often it will feel arbitrarily and uncorrelated. But if you look at the Tree of Life of the Kabbalah and see where the cards are positioned on this tree, it creates a visual mind or concept map, which enhances the links, correlations and associations in your brain.

As I am not religious, nor a theologist, let alone an initiate in the Kabbalah and Jewish religion, so I will not elaborate on the Tree of Life in that sense. But I recognize it as a mind mapping system that is helpful to empower ourselves in understanding cause and effect on life situations, and since Tarot is a symbolic image tool it makes sense to mind map them in this way.

 
The geometrical formation of the Kabbalistic Tree of Life is probably derived from the geometrical mystical figure of the Flower of Life. Many geometrical formations within this Flower of Life have been allocated all sorts of steps in "creation" mythology.


SEPHIROT

The Tree of Life is constructed out of 10 points, each point having a number and a meaning applied to the number. These points are called the Sephirot, which means "enumerations".... the 10 numbers. If you look at the above image you will note there are 11 instead of 10. Keter and Da'at are said to be the unconscious and consciouis manifestation of the same principle, and so together make for 1 Sephirah.

Horizontally the Tree of Life can be divided into 7 levels, and in that sense correlating with the idea of the 7 chakras (another of those body maps, handy to allocate our emotional senses and phsyche). Vertically the tree can be divided into 3 columns. The central column headed by Keter is the neutral one, the "pillar of mildness" and balancing out the forces in play from the left and the right column. The right column headed by Chokmah is called the "pillar of mercy", whereas the left column headed by Binah is called the "pillar of severity".

  • Higher Conscious

1 - Keter (Crown):

The higher plan, idea, goal... a crown rests above the head, outside of our mind and body. It may be what your higher self has faith in, or delights in, or wants. In Tarot sense Keter implies the as of yet unfulfilled (and perhaps unnoticed) opportunities out there, the Aces in particular.
  • Conscious
2 - Chokmah (Wisdom):

It means "the potential of what is/to be", and is associated with intuitive insight, the eureka "flash in the pan" moment without any rational process preceding it. In Tarot sense Chokmah implies the possibilities (stemming out of the Keter opportunities) you consider. This correlates to the twos and Crowley's knights of the suits.

3 -  Binah (Understanding):

Here the understanding comes through deductive reasoning and is accompanied with feelings of joy. This correlates with the threes and queens of the suits.

N - Daat (Knowledge):

All Sephirot become one in Daat. People who are still reigned by their ego cannot see the benefits gained from Daat, only those who are self given see its benefits which are felt on an emotional level. On a higher level it bonds Chokmah and Binah. On a lower level it unifies the emotions with reasoning, making a person act according to the truths they are conscious of. Daat is not truly an enumerical. Sometimes either Keter or Malkuth is left out, and Daat used instead.
  • primary emotions
These are experiences or feelings we have without secondary motive.

4 - Chesed (Kindness/Love/Compassion):

It is not just being nice for social reasons. It represents an action that has no cause, a giving action without strings attached for the satisfaction of giving/loving. Either the love, kindness and compassion bestowed upon us by others, or what we bestow freely onto others, comparable to the innocent loving kindness children bestow on people. In the pip cards of Tarot it are the fours of the suits.

5 - Gevurah (Might/Severity):

Gevurah is our power to strain our innate urge of goodness when we consider the recipient of our Chesed capable to abuse it. As a reaction we withhold our giving nature from such people (or ourselves) when we "judge" them as unworthy for it. It signifies what is withheld from us because we either do not need it or do not want it, and inspires us to be fearful of our fate/God/future, to see ourselves as undeserving of Chesed because of our own fault by breaking moral codes, the law or religious dogmas. It is like the punishment from a parent who judges he or she knows what is best for us children, especially when we were naughty. In the pip cards of the Tarot these are the fives of the suits.

6 - Tiferet (Adornment):

Tifaret balances Gevurah and Chesed, kindness given after judgement either as forgiveness or mercy. We forgive those who hurt us, or feel forgiven for our mistakes and healed from the guilt and shame. In Tarot this is represented by the sixes, the princes of the suits.
  • Secondary Emotions
The experiences and emotions have a secondary motive, aside from the act/experience or emotion itself.

7 - Netzach (Victory):

These are experiences that are actually a kindness, but precluded by seeming harshness. It is as if things in life get ruined, fall apart around us, plans or dreams end up in nothing, but if we endure, carry forth fortitude and show patience then we will receive or gain something good in life we may otherwise not have gotten, and our confidence will grow. In Tarot this is represented by the sevens of the suits.

8 - Hod (Majesty/Splendour):

These are actions where instead of trying to conquer an obstacle (Netzach) through endurance and confidence, we instead subdue ourselves to the obstacle, do not fight it, nor try to overcome it. We try to live with it. In Tarot this is represented by the eights of the suits.

9 - Yesod (Foundation):

This is how we act when we are committed to know the truth, when we want to grow and learn, become knowledgeable. In Tarot this is represented by the nines of the suits.
  • Action
10 - Malkuth (Kingdom):

This is the final result, the outcome in our daily life, and what makes us act ourselves. In Tarot represented by the tens and the princesses (as a new inner opportunity growing inside of us) of the suits.  

NODES

The Sephirot are linked by nodes, identified by the 22 letters of the Hebrew alphabet, and consequently the 22 Major Arcana cards related to those letters. The Major Arcana cards therefore are not insights, not the knowledge, not the experiences, not our attitudes. They are the vehicles of our higher self/soul, the pathways in lives on revealing, experiencing the sephirots and come to understand and complete Daat.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Tarot (Toth deck) - The Fool's symbolism



FOOL'S POSITION

The Fool in this deck is so large, it almost seems as if he's grabbing and reaching for every corner of the card. He's all-present, spreading himself all over the view. If we think of the room in the card as the universe, then the Fool is reaching for every corner of the universe. He's everywhere, and nowhere.

Note his feet. They are up in the air. He has no ground, no earth to stand on. In that sense he becomes the embodiment of the untouchable element: air.

If we search through the Toth deck there are a few cards that also have a peculiar ungrounded position...

In the Major Arcana the Magician and Hanged Man stand out with their peculiar position of their feet being up in the air, and yet never like the Fool. To compare these positions, we may learn something of all three cards.

The Fool's feet are spread and up. Doesn't he look like an astronaut in space? Try to imagine him starting to move into a direction from that position. He cannot move into a direction, exactly because of the spread legs and the feet pointing at different directions at the same time. And if he was not holding on to the corners of the card, he would fall back on his ass. Except that in space, you don't fall, but float aimlessly. In other words: the Fool has no direction, or better yet, he's incapable of giving direction because of his "position". The reason for this lies in the position of his ego. The Fool has an ego, as shown by the depiction of the sun (Solar) on his body. But his ego is not in the solar plexus position. He can shine brightly, but he has no will. In the zero position, where nothing is and everything can still be, it is hard to have a will. Without a will there can be no direction.

It becomes clear on how the Fool cannot make up his mind of what he wants by what he wears on his head. He has small horns, like Pan, a sign that he wants to experience physical life in a way that has nothing to do with enlightenment. But at the same time his head is crowned by a small crystal pyramid that breaks the light into a rainbow halo. He longs to be one with the kosmos. Of course the Fool is already one with the kosmos. He is the center of the kosmos. However, not because of enlightenment, but almost accidental.

The Magus's feet are the opposite of the Fool's feet. Instead of pointing at every direction up in the air, they are close together, pointing downward. Though the Magician's feet has wings and he can fly (the Greek god Mercurius), he has the ability to give direction to his life, whereas the Fooll cannot.

The Fool who is the number 0, he belongs to the realm of before time and space, which is nowhere and yet everywhere. The Magus has the number 1. The Fool found a bearing and has placed his legs together to take his first step. Where the Fool lives in the endless universe without definition the Magus has stepped through space-time fabric, away and left the lilac empty trangle behind him.

What has caused this first step? Note how the Magus shines golden, as if he is the sun himself. Where the sun, the ego was only starting to rise in the Fool, the Magus is the sun, is nothing but ego. The ego wills, and in that way creates.

The Hanged Man has his feet up in the air, hanging upside down. Seeing life upside down is similar to the view of the Fool, however the Hanged Man is in a phase in life where he's very much bound to daily life and goals, and his view is forced upon him. He does not hang there out of his own choice, but life put him there, and made sure he cannot move and escape. Only when the Hanged Man accepts he has nowhere to go and turn anymore, can he look at life again through a Fool's eyes, like an unborn baby in the womb of his mother: head down, feet up.

 
There are a few court cards that seem to want to return back to the Fool's state of being. The Princess of Wands (a page) floats and flies in the sky. It's as if lust made her lose her mind, or at least she will turn men into fools for her.She shares too with the Fool the symbol of the tiger. The tiger stands for instincts and aggression for both the Fool and Princess of Wands.

The Knight of Cups (a king) has wings on his back and seems to reach for the highest ideal of love, which is not of this earth. And when we think ourselves in love with what seems unreal, too good to be true, we wonder whether we are not being foolish. And if you pay enough attention you come to notice that the Knight of Cups is wearing a green armor. That the Fool wears a green costume is hard not to notice of course.

The Princess of Swords has a lot of fighting spirit in her, but she wields her sword in all directions, defending herself against air (nothing). Though the princess wears a white dress, her whole body is strangely lit in a green shadow.

THE FOOL'S ELEMENTS

In his right hand the Fool holds a cup. Upside down the water flows out and forms the stream of life, for the Egyptians that was the Nile. In his left hand he holds a torch. Its flame reaches across his head to the cup, but in fact the water and fire remain separated. The two opposing elements cannot mingle, because of the Fool's pure state of non-direction. 

Behind the Fool, in the background, lies a huge sack of money, each of the money coins stamped with astrological symbols (Gemini, Pisces, Libra, Taurus, Ares, Aquarius,  Virgo, Sagitarius, Mars, Jupiter, Mercury, The Moon, Venus, Saturn and the Sun). So many disks, representing earth. The peculiar thing about the sack of money is that it's resting on air, and is coloured blue like air. And well nothing can be done with that huge bag of money. It can't be spend, so it remains within the bag. It is but the idea of the material world, nicely and safely put away in a bag.

 

The only element that seems missing in its symbolical form is the sword for air. The sword is not present in the image of the Fool, beause the Fool is "air". And if you look at the Ace of Swords you will notice that the sword is exactly the same green as the Fool's costume. 


The Magus too has all the four elements represented in the card. Not in their pure form anymore, but in their symbolical tool forms. They look almost tiny in the card, in comparison to the Fool's elements. And they have the same general yellow colour as the naked Magus himself, almost as if they were created out of his flesh. With the Fool the elements can be found in their truest form and most non-existent form. With the Magus they become smaller, they start to materialize for the more limited real world. But most importantly it is the Magus who causes them to be there. 

Adjustment holds the exact same sword as the ace of swords, which had the same green colour as the Fool, and both the Fool and sword portray the element "air". Adjustment has a mask on to remain objective and not be fooled by the illusions of the "real world". She is like the Fool connected to the realm beyond the material, and stands in the world untouched by the material world in a light green square. But where the Fool balances nothingness, and stands in nothingness, the lady of Justice is present nonetheless in the real world. Her feet touch the earth, and are together like the feet of the Magus. Lady Justice is trying to find a balance between the material and imaterial. Both the Fool and the lady's sword and mask represent truth. The Fool is dazed by it, in the grip of truth. The Lady though can act on the truth with her sword. 

Art shows a woman formed out of two persons who mixes the water of the cup with the fire of a torch in a kettle. She is dressed in a garment of the same green as the Fool's costume. But where the fire and water were still separate, they can finally mingle and unite in Art. Art too is about finding a balance, not of the mind like Adjustment, but of passion and emotions. And when the sacral emotional mingles with the fire of passion, then we get the steamy result of kundalini, the process that starts to burn our ego away and makes us find our path back to the universe. Art leaves the big, grown up sun behind her. More, the sun has the same rainbow colours as the Fool's crystal's crown. It's as if the ego is finding its way to the kosmos, to enlightenment.

Finally, the Star shows the Faerie of the Stars pouring lifewater out of the cup across the giant disk of earth and herself. She pours the same water as the Fool. Though the whole colour scheme of the Star has a magical, dreamy atmosphere, here we see earth not as a symbol but in its true planetary form. Like the Fool this Faerie comes from the Stars. But she can fertilize earth, knows how to shape it with emotions, without ego and without an ego's will.

Across all of the 5 cards we can note an evolution in the materialisation of the sky. The Fool's sky has no fabric, has no material, is non existent really. We already saw the Magus step out of infinity (the lilac triangle behind him) into an actual space, made of a fabric, a web of golden lines. With Adjustment the fabric of the time-space continuum has formed into abstract spheres, like forming planets. In Art we can witness the start of a chrystalisation process in the background. And in the Star we see an actual planet Earth, a chrystal star, and the sky is full of stardust. 

And it seems that while the proces pre-exists and starts with a masculine figure, the balance, union and fertilization process is done by female figures in Crowley's opinion.  

THE FOOL'S SPIRALS
  • The Horned one



I already mentioned how the Fool has two small horns on his head, and how it refers to his longing for earthly life away from the divine and enlightenment. There is one Major Arcana card where we see the horns reappear, in Pan, the scapegoat, the Devil.

The Devil or Pan in stories and myths is like a trickster, tricking us to stray and then he laughs at us (smirks) in having "fooled" us. The goat's grin can be seen in that of the Fool's ecstatic face. The goat in the Devil card looks a bit foolish himself, with the crown of flowers on his head. With the Devil's card we have followed the Fool's longing to earthly non-divine ecstatic experiences to its deepest point. Once we release ourselves from its imprisonment we find the freedom to return to the divind and fulfill the Fool's wish to enlightenment symbolized by the Fool's crystal crown.

 

Two court cards depict horned figures. This time it are two women: the princess of disks an the queen of disks (who also has a mountain goat present). We could see them  like the narrow vision of mideval Christians as witches and worshippers of the Devil, but this vision was a demonisation of the wild celebrations of the Bacchantic mysteries, mysteries to which only women were initiated. Hence, we do not have any male court cards with horns at all. It are the earthly court cards that get to carry the horns, as they are embodiment of persons with an earthly life, the life the Fool has longed to experience. 

Note how these two not only share the Fool's horns, but how the card also depicts a crystal on a staff. This reveals that the women not only know earthly life and are able to deal with life, but that they also keep on carryng the tool to find enlightenment. The Devil on the other hand shows no crystal to the divine at all. So, these earthly women are not loathsome creatures on a road of demoralisation. They are enlightened. 

There is one exception to the horned court cards only being of the element earth in the suit of disks. The Princess of Wands we saw earlier on seems to have something like horns as well. They are not as solid as those of the two ladies of disks, because the wands are of the fire element. But her passion and allurement may be the needed flame of lust that leads to physical sexual relations.

  • Dyonisus, god of wine 
The Fool seems caught in a string of spirals, seemingly forming the number zero. There are four of these spirals. The first one is heart shaped and linked with the grapes. The heart-shaped spiral is the closest to the fool, and in its shape reveals the Fool's foremost longing is that of union of souls.

The grapes, the horns and the green costume together call forth the vision of Dyonisus. He was the Greek god of wine, of having an epiphany and being liberated through madness, ecstacy and wine. Drunk people act foolish, are easily distracted and find it hard to walk straight, and they dare to act when drunk in a way they otherwise would never dare to. His festivals were wild, mystic and secret, and they fell a few weeks before the start of spring. Half March is the season when people start to feel itchy, are eager for spring, can actually already feel as if it's spring, but it is not spring as of yet. If Spring is the start of the season cycle, number 1, and the start of life, then the few weeks before that fall into a zero season. It's getting warm enough and eager enough to not be winter anymore, but it is not spring either. It is like a mini season that falls through the cracks: the pre-spring season. 

Dyonisus was a god of rebirth, but a rather strange one. Although there are several versions of who his mother was, his father was always the god Zeus, and Hera was jealous of the pregnant mistress and making sure in indirect ways that the mother died while pregnant. But the foetus is saved and replanted into a new mother (including Zeus' thigh) who carries him to full term. So, in fact, Dyonisus was carried twice and born twice and should have died. When we are in the Fool's state, we feel like saved and about to be reborn. 



If we peruse the rest of the deck we find one other card with grapes: Three of Cups, called Abundance. So, we can imagine those three cups filled to the rim with rich and heavy red wine. This card symbolizes a period of joy, celebration and welness. Here I want to bring in the image of Waite's 3 of cups, where we see three women dancing, their cups high in the air. Are these perhaps women celebrating the festival of Dyonisus, a festivity only women are allowed to participate in?  

Why do we feel joy? When we are free of our daily earlthy worries, are able to relax and not care about the past, the present and the future, when we feel as if we are in the now. This is like having a glimpse again of the time we were innocent toddlers with no idea nor care for the world, the age of the Fool. 

  • Caduceus (Hermes)

 
The second spiral reveals the Fool is caught up in a cycle of metamorphosis, of death and rebirth. The first symbol that reveals this is the Caduceus: a winged staff entwined by two snakes. In Greek myth this was the staff of the god Hermes (Mercury with the Romans). 

Hermes was first of all known as a Messenger god, a herald who delivered the messages of the gods to the mortals. Dreams are one form of heralds, and the dreamworld is a world that is everywhere, in everyone's head, and yet nowhere. And when we are in the Fool's state in our lives, we may feel as if life is a dream, too wonderful to be true - we must be mad to believe it. 

As a messenger, Hermes was a god of peace and unification (the Fool's heart desire), because he would attempt to have enemies communicate with each other through him. And he used his trickster wit to present otherwise problematic ideas as the perfect solution.

Hermes was a patron of boundaries and those who cross it - travelers, vagabonds, people who had to survive on the street (thieves, prostitutes, ... ) - in a literal as well as metaphysical sense. He was one of the few gods who could enter the underworld without any problems, and therefore a Chtonic god. He helped to free people and gods stuck in the underworld back to the world of the living, but also guided people into Hades. He was a god who could go everywhere and thus belonged nowhere in particular. 

Lastly, because he was seen as the unifier of opposition, Hermes was the patron god of the Alchemists in later times. With the lore of initiates and tarot symbolism it is no so surprise that Crowley featured Hermes so heavily.

The Caduceus was Hermes's staff, as a sign of both his messenger qualities that unify and bring peace, is always on the road, as well as portray his chtonic aspects of crossing boundaries between life and death. So, the presence of the Caduceus in one of the Fool's encircling elypsis protects the Fool as he is traveling from one state in life to another and passes through a land where he doesn't belong. It tells us that the Fool is a period of transition, where you are traveling from a previous life to another one.

We see also the Caduceus appear in the Magus and Devil of the Major Arcana. In the Magus, it is not just a referral to the protection of Hermes, but it is an attribute of the Magus. Crowley identifies the Fool as Dyonisus, and the Magus as Hermes with his winged feet and glued on a Caduceus as tall as the card.

We already saw how the Devil or Pan is like the end of the "horned road" the Fool can end up following, and only afterwards is free to find his way to enlightenment. The Caduceus in the Devil is not gold, nor is the sun disk between the wings. The Caduceus in front of the Devil is dark and the sun disk is red like the setting sun, heralding the coming of the darkness of the night... the darkness of the underworld. 

The snakes in the Caduceus stand for dualism: birth versus death, healing versus poison, peace versus war, good and bad. In Christian religion the Devil is bad, the necessary dualistic counterpart of  God who is believed to be good. The Chtonic, underworld, dark side of the Caduceus is not only portrayed in the Devil's card by its darkness, but also because we can clearly see how the staff is planted deep into earth, whereas the Caduceus reaches out to the heavens in the Magus. 

With the Fool the Caduceus is part of the spirals, encircling the Fool, not standing prominently or unified with the figure like in the Magus or the Devil. The Caduceus seems to fly about him like he's being visited by Hermes, receiving a message from Hermes. And with the spirals coiling around the Fool's neck, we could see the Caduceus as a charm necklace to protect him on his journey.  

  • The Winged Sun and Uraeus (Horus)
If you compare the symbol of the Caduceus with those of the cards, you will noticed something is off. It normally does not contain a sun disk, and in the Devil's version the snakes aren't even coiled around the staff anymore. Crowley's Caduceus is actually a mingling of two symbols: the Greek Caduceus and the Egyptian Winged Sun with two Uraeus (Cobra snakes).

 

In Ancient Egypt it was a sign of royalty and Faraos were seen to be divine, gods on earth. It was most particularly identified as a symbol for the Egyptian god Horus, often depicted as a falcon (the wings) and god of the skies (the sun). 

In one of the known traditions, Horus was the son of Isis. After her brother Seth had murdered Isis's husband Osiris, she went searching for all of Osiris's body parts. She found all, except his penis. Instead she made a golden phallus to replace it and impregnated herself that way. She birthed the divine Horus while hiding in the marshes from Seth. The country was then split in dark and light, with Horus battling Seth. After many years of war, Horus finally beat Seth, but not without either two carrying a mark, a taint, of the other. Seth gouged out an eye of Horus, and Seth lost a testicle (his fertility, and therefore ruler of the infertile desert). The land was unfified under Horus, but never totally healed from Seth's infertility. Horus's eyes were the moon and the sun in the sky (his realm). But since one eye was harmed, the moon lost most of its power to shine as brightly as the sun, nor shine every night. 

Horus thus had wings like Hermes to travel day (light and good) and night (dark and evil) through the sky. Horus unified a divided country, just like Hermes was the harbringer of peace. And though Horus was overall seen as a good god, he carried within him a taint of the darkness, crossing boundaries. And thus Crowley intermingles Hermes's Caduceus with tHorus's Winged Sun. 


 
The Winged Sun with Uraeus (and thus also the Caduceus) appear in three pip cards of the Wands suit: the five, the six and the seven. In the five we see four staves in balance. The fifth one is disturbing the symmetrical image. The 5th stave causes friction, and yet it is the Caduceus with Winged Sun. We can see Hermes's wings at the bottom, and the Caduceus was made of a herder's staff, split in two at the bottom in order to catch snakes - not only wings, but a symbol for dualism. With the sun disk being golden, we know that the friction will cause no permanent harm. Nothing can ever remain stable, and will transform. Transformation may be unsettling and make us nervous, but it can also lead to a higher stage of stability. This higher stage of stability we find in the 6 of wands, where the dualistic nature of the Caduceus and Winged Sun is balanced out, until eventually in the 7 a new transformation comes about.

What we see happen in these 3 cards is the rising of the kundalini. In the 5 the flames burst from on center point, the solar plexus. The person is still self-centered. The friction eventually frees it, so the fire of life can be balanced out (all the chakras) in the 6, overcoming the ego, awakening several levels of insight and understanding, preparing the path for the kundalini. Finally the "sacred" fire of the kundalini can rise in the 7, the pathway to enlightenment, from all the blockages, electrifying us and strengthening us.

In these we see a part of the journey the Fool will have to undertake in his life. But the Fool at his Fool's stage is still far from the rising of the kundalini. The Fool's ego is on the rise, forming, rather than overcome. However, when the kundalini rises we may feel as free as the Fool. Even if the Fool's ego is rising and growing, he is still free from egocentrism... that has yet to come. With the rising of the kundalini we lose the egocentrism and correlate it with the one period in life we have ever known to feel as free from our own ego... the time when it was not as big yet, the age of the Fool.

 

Lastly, we see Horus himself depicted in the Major Arcana card Aeon, as well as his winged sun symbol. We see Horus the Elder in the background, on his throne, his form of the flesh as falcon and in colour. But he's also depicted as Horus the Young, as a child in spirit, with his finger to his lips (a gesture of silence as said by the Greeks but vehemently negated by the Egyptians, a gesture of shyness and wonder (innocense), a gesture of initiation). As a child Horus was always in danger and needed protection, hence the two uraeus cobra snakes on his head. Together, they represent "(life)time".

If we put Aeon next to the Fool, we could see Horus the Young as the Fool. Note the egg shape on Aeon, and how the spirals around the Fool are like an egg encapsulating the Fool. The Fool is like a child, like Horus the Child, innocent, not yet governed by his ego, unaware of life and how it shapes us. An unborn child, still in the womb, already has an identity, but it cannot be said to belong to any world. It is not dead, but it is not born either. It is in an in-between world. 

In Aeon it is as if after a lifetime of experiences we as adults come to the realisation what our destiny is, what our identity required us to try and fulfill in this life in order to be happy. The identity was with us already as a child, and we realize that somehow we are returning to it once again, even though we are so much older. We cannot be the child anymore, but we carry its spirit still with us. We return to the Fool, that pure being we were in the womb, but now finally understanding what the Fool could not without the experience.


  • The Butterfly
Right after the Cudaceus flies a butterly, the best known example in nature of "transformation", of growing up from an infant into an adult. In its first stage of its life, a butterfly is a catterpillar, eating and nibbling at all the leaves, ensuring in its physical needs. Then it encapsulates itself in a cocoon, until the pop evolves inside the cocoon into a butterfly that frees itself from its pop. The heavy landlocked animal has become an example of beauty flying in the air, from flower to flower, and attracting a partner to produce new life and die. 


Butterflies appear in the right bottom corner of the Star. We have already seen how the Star fits in the evolution from indirection to the ability to shape and fertilize life. Once we reach the stage of the Star, the cocoon has been shed and out comes the butterfly that will help flowers to poll the environment and who will copulate to start the whole catterpillar-butterfly process all over again.

In the Sun, we see two dancing children with butterfly wings on their back. In a way it seems weird to see children, while butterflies are the adult version of an animal. But then faeries in mythology, who are both wise but have a childlike spirit, carry butterfly wings as well. The Major Arcana card after the sun is Aeon, so we could see these children not as literal children, but as adults who celebrate life and see life with a childlike spirit and enthusiasm.

  • Vulture
The butterfly is chased by a vulture (you see a blue, widespan wing and vulture head in between the white dove and butterfly). In Egypt the vulture was the personal protector of the pharaoh of Upper Egypt (Southern Egypt), but later in time became the protecting mother for all children. She was called Nekhbet, and also appeared as one of the two cobras on the winged sun symbol. The Vulture does not reappear anywhere in the deck anymore. And thus the Fool is the sole true child in need of the protection of his mother.

  • Dove
A white dove stands for the Holy Spirit, the purest form of spirit and good. Sometimes it stands for peace, but then it has an olive branch in its beak (after the Noah story where a white dove returned to the ark with an olive branch signifying it found land, and God had made his peace with humanity - Noah and his family being the sole survivors). In mythology and religion, Spirit is said to be the cause of life, and it is the form people return to after death. The loop in which the Fool is caught, whichever transformation he goes through, the spirit is always there and will always remain.

The dove appears on the sun disk of the winged sun on the Magus. In the Fool, the dove looks like a real living dove, but in the Magus it turns into an icon. The dove goes through the same abstrahation process as the cup, torch, sword and disk. While on the one hand life becomes more "material" in the Magus, they also become less "real".


The Empress has her head turned to the dove sitting near her left shoulder. This Empress - holding her arm as if holding a baby with all the blue - calls forth a recollection of some pieta painting of the Holy Virgin. With the dove sitting there, and no baby in her arms yet, we see a depiction of the Anunciation. While in the Bible, Mother Mary is reduced to a human being, all of the Bible and Catholic mythology about this virgin can almost be literally derived from older Great Mother/Goddess myths: Isis, Ishtar, Astarte, the Celtic trinity Goddess (virgin, mother, crone), ... No mythology with a sky god can find a great following without a Great Mother. And in our Western society where the bible is so predominant we often forget that the dove is not just a biblical symbol of the Holy Spirit, but an attribute of many Great Mothers of earlier religions.The Virgin Mary, mother of Jezus who is the son of God but God as well, is a copy-version of the other Great Mothers who bore a son of a Father God but who are their Father at the same time. The only way though to incorporate that age old myth was by making her human. Solomon had once worshipped Astarte, a Great Mother, and the temple was destroyed because of it, the covenant lost. No religion coming from the Jewish tradition could risk such a blatant "rival" to the sky god, even if she was his partner and mother with Solomon in the back of their head. And yet it could not gain a following of non-Jewish people without Her. The disguise of a mortal, common woman (an heir of the fallen Eve) was the compromise.

Doves were a symbol of committed love. It was a dove that sat on the egg out of wich Venus was born. It was a sign that God loved his chosen people, the Israelites. Though for Christians the dove is the embodiment of the Holy Spirit and male, all the other doves are female, including the dove that returned with the olive branch to Noah's ark. All those doves in every myth of the Mediterranean and the Middle East, including the Jewish tradition, are female and linked to female Goddesses, of which Mary is a version as well, and a sign of this comitted mother love, and yet we must think of the Holy Spirit dove as male spirit? No mediteranean religion, incorporating a mediteranean Great Mother myth and symbol, would use that universal female symbol and proclaim it to be male. Only those who live centuries later, when all the other mediteranean religions have been half forgotten, would be able to change the gender of the symbol. It is a purposeful later misinterpretation to break the link with other Great Mother myths. 

So, if Crowley has a female dove of motherlove and the "home" (homing in of doves) with the Empress then for Crowley the Holy Spirit dove on the Fool represents the same thing, and is a female spirit, another version of the guardian she-vulture, who in the Pharaoh's headdress are often depicted as two protective snakes, the Uraeuses.

In the Hierophant, the dove next to his face is once again a reminder of the female spirit. We can tell because the dove touches the tail of the nailed serpent. Crowley himself said they were depicted on the Hierophant, straight from Lev ch I,57. The snake is nailed above the highpriest's head like Mozes rose the copper snake above his head, almost like a symbol of devotion. Eve and the snake were laden with guilt for the fall of man in Genesis, but Mozes revealed that the snake (Eve) was also the harbringer of life, as long as she was venerated. We recognize here the dualism of the two snakes in the Caduceus. And in the Hierophant the same theme is symbolized by using the snake and the dove: without a woman losing her innocense there would be no motherlove.

We find this story of motherlove in other symbols of the Hierophant. Isis stands at the bottom, protectively in front of the Hierophant, who is no other than Horus the Elder, having a small Horus The Young on his chest. The Hierophant's main image is Aeon's main image. Whether Horus is young or old, the Great Mother will never let go of her son, will not cease to protect her child.

 

The dove who returns home to show there is land, that God kept his promise to Noah and keep the people he loved safe and makes peace with them, is depicted in the Tower card, when it seems all the world as we knew has crumbled around us, we will see a sign that we can find a new life/home again. In our darkest hour we will connect to something that tells us that all will be good again and that we are loved.
 

One pip, the 4 of wands, depicts doves too: doves and rams. Holy Spirit and The Horned One united, the dove as symbol of the goddess of love Venus (see the astrological symbol for the planet Venus) united with the fire enthusiasm of the starter of things, the Ram. Once again we see the Fool's dualism of his little horns and crystal crown, but here they are in balance, uniting.

  • Two naked humans, flowers, and the sun
It is said that the two naked small bodies at the bottom of the third spiral are two kids forming a material bridge across time and space. The strange construction of five flowers are symbolizing transformation of the creation abilities of those children into a rising of life in the sun. It is then translated as symbolizing the yearning of kundalini.

Personally I find this translation of the symbols too abstract. There are other more appropriate symbols for that in the card already. So, let's start at the base again. First we have 2 naked human beings, as if embracing each other. Above them we see the flower construction: one flower raised like a phallus, the second large flower is of a different nature is hanging towards the ground, similar to an accepting cup, a female sexual symbol. And of those two large flowers sprouts a third branch with three small flowers. It seems a symbol of copulation and the creation of offspring. The sun, sign of the ego, focuses on one of those offspring. And not coincidentally the sun is on the same height where the Fool's phallus ought to be. Simply put, when two children (as in humans being nature's children ) come together and start a family, a new individual, a Fool, will be born out of it, that starts its life in the mother's womb, a state of unborn and not dead, out of time and space (insofar that for the infant in the womb, time and space does not yet exist).
  • The mind of a crocodile and the fire of a tiger
The last spiral involves the instincts, personified by the crocodile living in the birthwaters streaming down from the cup and tiger biting the Fool's leg. Crocodiles were in existence already in the age of the dinosaurs, and our brainstem that busies itself with all the bodily reflexes to make sure that we breath for example is often referred to as the mind of the crocodile. The crocodile thus shows taking care of ourmost basic needs, predominant behaviour we can witness in babies and toddlers. Meanwhile the tiger stands for the aggressive instinct to survive, which we learn to control as we grow up. Especially a toddler can throw temper tantrums when they do not get what they want. We can see a small sickle of a moon above the crocodile's head, indicating how the crocodile and tiger live in our subconscious.

In that mind of the crocodile grows a rose. Crocodiles look fearsome, ugly and far from cuddly, and yet within this crocodile grows a symbol of love and beauty. It makes the idea of the crocodile more docile than the image of the tiger. It is as if this crocodile, a creature we think has such a low mind, is dreaming or thinking of finding beauty and love in its coming life.

In the Princess of Wands we see the return of the tiger. But there he doesn't clamp himself with tooth and nail to the Princess' legs. He swirls around as if he's her playkitten. It seems to say that the Princess is able to channel her aggressive instincts via her sexual desires.

THE COSMIC EGG

When I compared the Fool and Aeon via the Horus symbols, I also mentioned how Aeon shows an egg form, and that the Fool's spirals seems to form an egg as well. This egg is known in many mythologies as the world egg, the cosmic egg and the Orphic egg. The Sanskrit scriptures, the Rig Veda, the Taoist Pangu myth, the Finns talk about how the cosmos was egg formed and then broke in half forming the sky and the ground. The god Mithras was born out of an egg. The Rig Veda gives it the name Hiranyagarbha, which literally means the "golden womb".

The Greek myth of the Orphic Egg tells the story of Eurynome, the mother of all, who rose naked out of chaos, and when she found nothing to stand on, she separated the sky from the ground, and then she danced. She thought she was all alone, but her dancing had created the northern wind Boreas. She caught it and wrung it between her hands until it took the shape of the snake Ophion, and copulated with it. Out of this union the world egg was created. Ophion coiled itself around it until it was ready and the sun, the moon, the earth and all that is living was born out of it.

The background within the spirals forming an egg on the Fool is golden yellow - the golden womb of the Rig Veda. Outside of the spirals at the top of the card we can see blue shapes that could be seen as clouds, sky forming. The crocodile at the bottom of the card lies in water with reeds, the Nile formed out of the cup. So, we have a cosmic sky separated from a ground where life will grow, a golden womb, and an abstract egg shape. In a way, we could see the spirals as the coils of Ophion around the egg. And within the egg we see several mythological symbols regarding the secret of life creation, transformation and formation.

 
The Magus, The Lovers and the Hermit depict the Orphic Egg, as we see it from the outside, hiding its secret within, a secret that only is revealed on the Fool. It is as if in those stages we are trying to understand the secret of the origin of life, cosmos and the world as we know it, through trying to create ourselves, through looking to unite with other humans, through self searching within, and yet we cannot crack the egg, nor truly understand it at those stages. But as I have shown there are other cards that bring us back to remembering the Fool's stage, such as the Aeon and the Hanged Man. 

Aeon too shows a world egg, but not an Orphic Egg. We can see through the egg, and see both past and present in that card. The secret is understandable in that stage. But in its Orphic depiction, the egg is closed to us, protected by Ophion, and having a hard shell.   

I must mention the World card, the last Major Arcana card. And it shows exactly that myth from which the Orphic Egg is born. In the Orphic Egg myth this dance of the mother of all with Ophion would be chronologically seen as the start of the story, and the Orphic Egg the result. But the Major Arcana starts with the Fool, the Orphic Egg, ready to be born, and the series ends with the creation of the Orphic Egg. It reveals to us that the start is the end, and the end is start, that cause is the result and result the cause of life. The starting and ending card of the Major Arcana beggs us to ask ourselves the question: "Which one was first? The egg or the hen?" The truth is that there is no answer to that question.


NUMBER ZERO

The Fool's number in the Major Arcana is the number 0, one of the strangest number in our system. As a placeholder, zero functions to appoint a point in time, that we never experience. There is no year 0, even though we ascribe a 0-point to our timeline. Even the first second after 0 belongs to year 1. So, even though we have it as a placeholder to pinpoint a starting moment before everything else, it does not truly exist. It is as if time 0 falls out of time and space. We cannot measure it, nor touch it. And yet, it is there.

In math 0 has quite surprising effects. If you divide nothing by something you end up with nothing still. But if you divide something with nothing the result is infinity. And if you have several variations of possibilities divided by no variations you end up with the same several variations of possibilities. Nothing is actually something.

It is thus the ultimate symbol for a moment and place in life that has no time, no space, a moment that we cannot touch, nor measure, that is void and yet infinite.  

TRIANGLE


In the other Major Arcana cards we can see a planet or astrological animal sign, but there is none for "zero". We do not have a zero planet or astrological animal. So, though Crowley turned his back on the Golden Dawn System, he used the triangle to symbolize the Fool. A white triangle in the Golden Dawn System stands for the "supernal" universe. Supernal means divine, the "good". The crystal crown on the Fool's head is that white triangle, and then we have a golden one behind the Fool with its base crossing the middle of the card.

CONCLUSION

By analysing and looking up every drawn symbol on the Fool, and treating the whole Tarot as a book to search for similar symbols, you do not only gain some understanding of those other cards, but it reflects back insights on the Fool. Apart from 6 Major Arcana cards I have glanced several times through 16 of the Major Arcana cards and several of the pips in the deck. In that way a deeper understanding of the Fool's influence grows.

What the Fool then means in Tarot readings, and how the Fool can empower you to understand cause and effect regarding opportunities and their impact will be adressed in other posts.




Crowley-Harris Toth Tarot Deck

Most Tarot readers are familiar with Rider Waite, and yet might be curious how Crowley saw the cards and how and why he differs from Waite, or some are interested in learning to use Crowley's deck, but Crowley's weird poems don't help much in understanding the deck. And I thought I might share here and explore my Toth deck in here.

CROWLEY
The man behind this deck has a bad name, to say the least... black magic, sexual rituals, he called himself the beast (his Quaker mother called him that), etc. He was narcistic, boastful and irresponsible. And people who are psychotic and dabble in the occult often refer to him. For many Crowley's name is the synonim of evil. So how could a tarot deck of his be any good?

First of all, would anyone stop admiring Mozart's music because of his profanities in his letters? Schopenhauer might have been a great philosopher, but as a human he was excentric. Nietzsche produced invaluable work, but he was himself the footdoor mat of his mother and later after she died of his elder sister. Pestalozzi was phenomenal regarding how to raise and school children, in theory, but with his own children was not an exemplary father. Etc... So, while Crowley the man was not a character to admire, his tarot as a work stands on its own.

Secondly, it was not just Crowley's deck. The cards themselves were paintings made by his friend Lady Frieda Harris, a woman who was faithful to her knighted husband and was appalled when Crowley flirted with her, but remained his friend nonetheless. And though Crowley got all the honoraries for the deck after pleading with Harris, and the claim by Sorror IW that Harris painted everything under the strict directions from Crowley, the lack of alternative paintings (except for the Magician) disproves this. Harris would have kept the disapproved designs if Crowley had been looking over her shoulder all the time. But such have never been found. Sorror in all likelyhood was a pseudonym for Crowley who in his narcistic ways just wanted to claim the deck as his idea alone. It's more likely that he just sent Harris an itenary of symbols for each card, and that Harris painted her own vision of it, incorporating the symbols Crowley wanted in it. We cannot dismiss the impact of Harris' own visions and ideas on the cards, only because Crowley handed her the mythological ans symbological background. The Crowley Toth Deck, might have been better called the Harris Toth Deck.

THE DECK
So, what did Crowley want to accomplish with the deck? He wanted a rather abstract deck, that is lacking stories and scenes, and instead fill it with symbolism (magical, astrological, kabbala, myths from mediterranean, Celtic cultures and most importantly from Egypt (hence Toth). In a way he wanted to have all of his initiate knowledge of ancient wisdoms incorporated into it, in the language of dreams and myths: symbology. For him, words and scenes belong to just only a time, whereas symbolic imagery are timeless for the unconscious.

Harris was able to capture the strange sensation of the dreamworld, or that of meditation journeys. And the cards are overloaded with symbols. And even if you can't always express in words what the cards mean, somehow you feel and know that something inside of you gets it. When you try to put the card's meaning in words, you easily get the sensation that they don't do the imagery justice. It's like with dreams... literally they make no sense. You try to describe them afterwards, but it's but a pale version of the dream you dreamt. And you tell the dream in the hope that somebody else can help you make sense of it, but when analysed it becomes clear that your unconscious understood the dream's message well enough by the end, even if your waking self is gobsmacked by them.

On the one hand, these cards were not made to understand at first glance, but need to be read like a book, or better yet, like a dream. On the other hand they have an evoking impact that can hardly ever be put in words or consciously explained. They're like music that can make you emotional, with the notes making your inner strings vibrate.

So, these cards are some of the best I know for self-readings and mandalas if you use tarot for self-understanding and self-atuning to your "soul" path.

But it's hard to translate the deck, and Crowley himself did not make it easier. His own book that was supposed to clarify it was full of ritual speak, rhymes and riddles. In all likelihood Crowley thought that would explain them, because he knew what he meant by it, because he had this giant library of symbolical knowledge within him... but he failed miserably in his own attempt to clarify it.

ASTROLOGY
Where Waite used scenery for the pips, Crowley allocated each pip an aspect of astrological signs with the planets.
Though I'm not a follower of astrology for the simple reason that there is no reasonable argument that it works, it has as much value as symbolical system in tarot cards as much as any other symbol.

{I know some would reason the same for Tarot. But then of course I have already explained how Tarot works in a non-magical way (serendipity: coincidences + an ear and mind that connects the non-concrete meanings to their own concrete life situations create workable meaning, insofar it is about the past and the present. And I know of no "Sceptic" who would disagree with me on any of this).}

THE THREE MAGICIANS

Harris painted three magicians for the deck. Crowley officially only agreed to one being used in the deck. All three contain the same symbols, but each picture is very much different from the other. The most profane explanation is that Harris made three versions and Crowley only accepted one.

But there is also an esoterical one. Harald Schulze Theiler made an esoteric theory that there ought to be three fools, one known fool and two hidden ones. Though he speaks of fools, his esoteric theory can be applied on the three magicians of the Toth deck. Theiler argues essentially that our ancient count systems use the number 24 (like 24 hours), but that 10% of it is invisible. An astronomical exact duration of an astrological era (the era of the Aquarius) is 2160 years. 2160 is 90% of 2400 years. For the same reason, the Major Arcana counts 24 cards, but only 22 (rounded) are visible. And it might be a reasonable explanation for the existence AND exposition of 3 magicians.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Dream - Losing my way



Couple of weeks ago I had the following dream...

I was asleep in my bed when my boyfriend came home from his night out, taking two guests along into the kitchen. I woke up and was not aware he had brought guests with him and just entered the living room to welcome him, relieved to have him home, when I noticed the strangers in the kitchen. Not wanting them to see me exposed in my nightly outfit I crouched behind the relaxing chair. At that point my boyfriend became aware of my presence and the possibility of being exposed and ushered his guests out. Although we never spoke, we communicated with each other with our eyes. They never saw me, because neither I, nor my boyfriend ever put on the lights in the house.



After this scene we left to go somewhere together by car. I knew where we were going and had the road planned out before me. But as soon as I started the car and drove off from home I took another road. It was still nighttime, but there was something strange about the dark night. It was so dark that I felt like a blindman behind the steering wheel. Even when I put my headlights on, they were so dim in that blackness that I could hardly see the road ahead of me. Within minutes we were outside of the city and driving through a hilly forrested country, much like the road above in the picture. 

Though I knew we weren't on the correct road I persisted to continue the way we had taken, hoping to come across a split that would take me to the correct area. That never happened in the dream of course. We just ended up in the outback, the Ardennes. This hill, forrested country in South Belgium is over two hours drive away from my home, and thus not the intended twenty-minutes-drive-away suburb we had planned to go. 

Eventually the road ended as a grassfield driveway of a 19th century looking, restorated farm, with a brick arch as entry into the farm courtyard. I parked the car at the cow gate of the property, walked through the wet grass towards the arch at the courtyard, finally ready to ask for directions and help. As before, it was hard to see where I was going. The strange blinding blackness persisted. I never went beyond the arch. It was clear there was noone awake at the property, except for two farmyard dogs that came running towards me, barking. 

I halted my approach as soon as I heard the barking coming closer. In real life I'm rather nervous around dogs, because I've been bitten twice by dogs when I was a child. And I felt the same nervousness come up initially until I actually saw the dogs. The male was of medium height, hazel brown coat, of undefined race, and the second one - white female - looked like a pet lapdog. Their barking did not sound threatening once they were in sight, and they came up to me with their tails wagging. To my own surprise I petted both of them on the head, before I turned around and walked back to the car and leave the farm in peace. The dogs accompanied (or guided) me back to my car. 


As I arrived at the wooden cow gate, several women passed the car and crossed my path. They struck me as women experienced in being married, having a family, run a household, etc... And I addressed one, the woman closest to me, explaining that somehow I had taken the wrong turn and had ended up here while instead I wanted to go to xxxx (my initially planned suburb destination). 


She smiled sympathetically, and the women were very helpful, giving me all sorts of tips, signs to look for to drive back to the point where I had taken the wrong turn and find my way to where I wanted to go. As they explained, I could see the correct roads, the correct area, the correct destination in my mind. I thanked them, stepped into the car and woke up.


This dream was about my relationship and what was happening to it on an emotional plain for me. The most important message of the dream was the half-blindness and the lost feeling of not knowing where we were going except the wrong direction.

The dream starts with an example of little things between us, while living together that caused friction: bringing strangers into our home (previous my home) while I was asleep after a night out. I don't like it, because it makes me feel exposed. My home is a place to feel comfortable and relaxed, to rest from work, from stress, from expectations from people, etc. And disturbing my sleep makes me moody on top. My boyfriend did this twice when he first moved in, and the dream was at least a month after that. He had already come to respect my wish to not have guests over when I was already asleep, but it was one of those experiences stored away as cause for frustration. The disturbance of my sleep though was something that occurred weekly, although he had started to try and respect my rest in actuality already. In the dream the feelings of annoyance were never felt. But since these events occurred in the dream before our drive into the wrong direction, I take the past events as the identified cause or point in time when our relationship was heading for possible loss.

Significant seems the feeling of surety where I thought we would be going: an easy route, only a short distanced off, a route I supposed I could drive almost blind or without thinking. And yet we ended up in an unknown, unfamiliar territory, lost our way that ended at a standstill, a dead end. I started my relationship with a leap of faith, I had experienced our ability to support each other even when events were not easy, I had experienced our ability and effort to communicate in a loving way, even when we didn't like what the other had done. It were these things that made me choose to have him come from the other side of the world and live with me. Even though we are in many ways different, we both know how to relate consciously with others in a manner that is needed to make a relationship work on a day to day basis.

However, in practice for the past three months this turned out to be very difficult. Yes, I had reasons to be upset with him at times, and he had reasons to feel at a loss in how I communicated this upsetness. Yes, the two people in a relationship have the right to express how they feel and have the other respect their basic wishes. We needed to find these things out, make clear to each other what we needed, what we wanted respected, where our barriers lay. The problem was how we ended up only doing that. We barely expressed positive feelings anymore. Instead we were only expressing what we did not like, how we didn't want things to be. And when this is not backed up with positive examples of what we do like, of what we appreciate the good things that are, it's only normal that you start to feel "It's all negative. Why are we still together at all?"

That is how I felt at the time when I had this dream. I saw myself as a bitch who whined all the time, who could not give anymore. I had turned into a person I did not want to be, the opposite of who I had been the past ten years, and that in two months time. Feeling like that, also made me very insecure. How could someone want to stay with me if I was like this? I did not like who I had become, so I could hardly expect him to like it. And well, he too was moping, and negative. It had become a total mystery why on earth we even said we loved each other, and I could not believe he could feel this way about me with both our negative feedback day in and day out. My insecurity, my fears of losing him were represented by the forrested road. The sole negative feedback was the wrong road, making us lose our way. How responsible I felt about our relationship turning badly was represented by me at the driving wheel. And it resulted in this feeling of close to breaking up represented with the dead end at the farm.

The dream served to help me identify the problem, to accept how lost I felt and to see whether we could solve it or accept that all was lost. That it all happened at night showed how big of a problem it had become to solve. It would not be easy. The semi-blindness and inability to shed enough light on the road reflected in one way the panicky feelings of "help, I don't know what I'm doing," as well as the refusal to recognize the true cause and trouble we were in. The latter too was reflected in my persistence to continue on the wrong road, instead of turning back and reconnect with a more familiar area where I could find my way again. And lastly it showed a blind trust on my driving abilities that was unwarranted.

Finally, when I recognize that I am at the stage where we cannot continue this "way" anymore, I start to explore to find help. The help comes in two disguises: the two dogs and the more experienced married women who have been running a family and households for much longer than I have done. Dogs stand for fidelity and loyalty. They also stand for intuition. That they were benign then reveals that my unconscious would help to solve the problem, and hints at our mutual persistance to have stuck together this far, because we share basic values of fidelity and loyalty to each other. The barking may have been a pun at some of our fights: a lot of noise to warn the other partner they were treeading on our territory, but no true mean intent towards each other. The most significant event regarding the dogs was how they guided me back to the car. Dogs in dreams are also protectors, and in that way a sign of aid to come to protect my relationship. Meeting the dogs, their happy response to me was the first moment in the dream that actually felt good. It gave me the hope that things would turn out well, gave me the courage to return to the car and helped me to open up to aid, help and suggestions. It is no surprise that the night's darkness did not bother me anymore, and the feeling of blindness had lifted.

The married women's advice was simple: go back to where you took the wrong turn, then you will come to more familiar ground and will find your way again and find your intended destination. In the days that followed after this dream, my mind was preoccupied in identifying how I had come to feel so lost regarding the relationship: the almost constant negative feedback, with too litte positive feedback to balance it out. Once I realized the actual communication problem, I instantly realized what I needed to do and what I needed from him to resolve my negative emotions. And so I suggested to him that perhaps for a while it would help the both of us to try and express ourselves only in a positive way. The irony of the actual events is that I suggested this while we were driving, with me at the steering wheel.

At first he reacted rather negative to my general suggestion. He didn't understand what I meant, nor what the problem was. I then told him by example, how it made me feel loved when he touched me affectionately, how it enabled me to take in his negative feelings about my own actions in the past when he communicated "please don't do this anymore," when at the same time he stroked my cheek and look into my eyes with love and understanding. And right after I said that he put his hand on my leg affectionately. It made me feel better instantly. And over the days after we both reinforced our positive loving feelings for each other in this way. The healing and solution was rapid and amazingly easy. Within days I was able to offer to interrupt my own doings at home to go to the shop for him and get him something, even though he could have done it himself easily, when I noticed he was tired, and that without him asking me to, let alone ask me repeatedly. His face had such a surprised pleased look that it made me remember to repeat such a small non-spoken offer of love next time. And though there were frustrations over the days and weeks after for the both of us in our daily life events, we had found a way to not have it turn negatively onto each other, and instead support each other again both in our own way that makes the other feel loved.

Right now he is back in Nicaragua, because his maximum allowed stay was near expiration. But we are also engaged, and I have confidence again that it is based on something real and workable. I do not fear I may have made the wrong decision anymore and do not wish to ever have to be parted from him again.